Find new heroes

Robert F. Kennedy once said, “What is objectionable, what is dangerous about extremists is not that they are extreme, but that they are intolerant. The evil is not what they say about their cause, but what they say about their opponents."

If your political heroes spend more time vilifying their opponents than they do explaining the virtues and examining the costs and benefits of their own philosophy, you should probably look for a different set of heroes.

And to make it perfectly clear, I'm talking to conservatives and liberals.

Turn off the negative radio shows. Turn off your side's negative news channel. Look in the mirror and do some homework on yourself.

Alcohol

This is part explanation, part rant.

I am one of those 'weird' people that doesn't drink alcohol.

Not because I'm morally superior to anyone. I have a dozen dissipations and excesses that I indulge in that you probably don't, so I'm no better than you.

Not because I am a Christian (or not entirely). The Bible doesn't condemn alcohol per se, only drunkenness. Of course, you show me someone who claims they drink but never get drunk and I'll show you a probable liar.

And the trendy coffeehouse Christians of the past decade or so who have taken up the bottle as a sign of how hip and cool they are ("See? We aren't uptight!") just make me ill. But they are another issue for another time.

I also don't think drinkers are bad people. My favorite author is C. S. Lewis, for crying out loud. The guy met his pals at a pub every other night for his entire adult life. “Mohammedanism [Islam], not Christianity, is the teetotal religion,” said Lewis.

So why do I not drink?

I simply have no use for alcohol.

Alcohol to me is my grandfather getting drunk, hijacking my uncle's new car, and totaling it when I was ten years old. Alcohol is him being bailed out of jail for that incident and coming home drowning in guilt and shame, grabbing his shotgun, and going out under the carport to kill himself. Alcohol is my dad and my uncle begging my grandfather not to pull the trigger. Alcohol is me watching and listening to all this while my grandmother tries desperately to keep all of us children away from the windows and exterior walls. To me, carports will always conjure up memories of my father saying, "Don't do it, Daddy!"

Alcohol to me is several family members who didn't have someone there to stop them from attempting suicide.

Alcohol to me is the drunk driver who swerved across three lanes of traffic and hit and almost killed my father when I was in sixth grade. Dad was laid up for months and out of work for over a year. We were on food stamps and my brother and I had to take free lunches at school. All thanks to a drunken redneck.

Alcohol to me is both of my brothers going to rehab by the time they were 25.

Alcohol is knowing that I have my own compulsive tendencies and the genetic and psychological likelihood of my becoming an alcoholic myself is extremely high.

For better or worse, I can't see alcohol as truly beneficial. I only see waste and sorrow and the consequences of stupid choices distilled into a bottle. I've never heard anyone seriously say, "Man, I wish I hadn't been sober when I made that decision."

I usually come by myself to social events so I truly have an excuse not to drink at them: I am the designated driver of my party of one. I have ordered a few non-alcoholic beers or taken a few sips of wine just to avoid looking like a freak. Out of curiosity, I've consumed a "real" beer at home. To me, of course, it tasted like I'd imagine ice cold urine would taste. Wine sucks, too. And these were higher end labels, not the cheap stuff. Acquired tastes are acquired simply by being positively associated with the effects.

Since I don't drink, it's not normally much fun when others are really hitting the sauce around me. I live with it because I don't want to be a judgmental prig. I don't drop hints. I avoid discussing it at all unless directly questioned about it. I just politely say no and let others do as they will.

But it's usually a chore to try to carry on a conversation with someone who has had more than a couple of anything, be it glasses of wine, bottles of beer, or shots of liquor. As the saying goes, drunks are only fun when you are drunk. If you're not, they are typically either boring, annoying, frustrating, alarming, or depressing.

What's depressing to me is that they aren't themselves anymore. They aren't the person that I was wanting to spend time with and talk to and reminisce and joke around with. They are either a foggy, blunted approximation of themselves or a distorted caricature. It's a missed opportunity to really connect with them. And that makes me sad.

I am perplexed and troubled that the majority of people all over the world have centered their work weeks and social lives around it for millennia. "Boy, I can't wait till Friday when I can have all the wine I can stand." People tell me I won't understand unless I do it myself. That's absolutely not going to happen. Never.

Many treat it as borderline criminal if you do not serve alcohol at parties. It seems the whole reason they show up is because there will be booze. If that's you, you have a problem. Two problems, actually.

First, you're just a selfish ass. I owe you alcohol? No.

Secondly, I've known enough alcoholics and addicts to know that if your peace and/or happiness - or simply your schedule - revolves around finding opportunities to drink, you really need to re-assess your relationship with alcohol. Is alcohol necessary for you to relax and enjoy yourself? Seek advice.

Some of you will say, "Hey, you just had a bad experience. Don't project that on everyone else. You don't know me. I don't overdo it. Getting drunk now and then is just a way to unwind and blow off some steam. Just back off and let me live my life."

I'm not interfering with your life. I almost never discuss this with anyone. I'm just venting in a public forum. My public forum, in fact. Do what you think is best.

I am genuinely interested in a reasonable discussion about the subject and welcome all sincere, constructive explanations of why alcohol is a positive good for people. Just don't tell me I need to get drunk (or laid).

And please don't throw Bible verses at me about the Cana wedding or Timothy's stomach. I know them all. I didn't arrive at this point without considering them..

Harry's Law

If you've ever seen the romantic comedy When Harry Met Sally, you are familiar with what I call Harry's Law of Male/Female Friendship.

(For the sake of brevity, we will assume this discussion is about friendship between a straight guy and a straight gal for the rest of this post.)

Harry Burns, played by Billy Crystal, stated his law thus:

"Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her."

I agree with the basic psychological and physiological factors that led Harry to formulate his Law. But I do not agree with his ultimate conclusion. In other words, I do believe that there is a always a sexual component to any opposite sex friendship but I also believe it doesn't have to doom the relationship.

I've had several discussions about this law with my female friends over the years. They are evenly split on the subject. Some agree with me. Some deny the sexual component altogether.

I sometimes receive an incredulous response like the one given by Sally Albright (Meg Ryan's character):

"That is not true! I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved."

This response is typically given by women who cannot cope with the idea that their guy pals have - at the very least - an attraction to them. To them, the thought of their friends having one milligram of sexual feeling toward them is creepy and disgusting and borderline criminal.

They assure me they've even asked some of their men friends about it directly and have been told, "Of course not. You're just like a sister to me."

I hate to break it her but their guy friends say that not because it is true but because they don't want to frighten her or hurt her feelings. Or lose a perfectly good and happy friendship just because of her naiveté. It's not worth it.

I've met the guys who are in denial, too. They will angrily insist, "I don't think about her like that!" Then I catch them checking her out or revealing a hint of jealousy. And the truth comes out. "Well, okay, I kinda like her but I would never act on it." Which is cool. And which they could have just said in the first place instead of getting all morally superior about it.

So, again, I agree with Harry's assessment of men's dilemma in friendships with women. I agree with his observation that a sexual component is almost always present, if only to a small degree.

However, this does not mean all men are pigs. To have an attraction to a beautiful or intelligent or charming woman does not make a man a pig. It just means he's a living, breathing human being with a Y chromosome.

It's what the man does with that attraction that makes him either a friend or a pig. As a man gets more mature, he learns how to be close friends with a woman. As in other areas of life, he becomes responsible and doesn't act on every impulse. He may still feel an attraction but he respects his friend and behaves accordingly. Most guys in opposite-sex friendships fall in this category. They are human but they are gentlemen. However, if a woman is pretty or otherwise compelling, any guy that says he doesn't notice it and they are strictly like a sister is most often lying for her comfort's sake.

That is why I disagree with Harry's conclusion that men and women can never be friends. I believe in a modified version of Harry's Law:

"No man is one hundred percent 'just' friends with a woman he finds attractive. But this is nothing to be ashamed of. If this fact is recognized and a few reasonable boundaries are clearly observed, he can be friends with her. If not, he should not."

Hope

When was the last time you prayed for hope? Hope gets maligned in much of our culture as simply a refuge for the passive. That's usually a sentiment held by people who have never had their lives broken to the point where they had nothing left to them but hope.

There are some things hard work and relentlessness - no matter how impressive - can't overcome. They won't bring back the dead. They won't change someone else's heart. If you haven't experienced the state yet where the only way you can get out of bed in the morning is hope that God will turn things around some day, be very, very careful how you speak of it.

Remember: Hope is one of the top three gifts of the Spirit, right up there with faith and love.

It's not a punchline. It's a gift made possible through the cross.

Marriage Lessons It Took Me Forever to Figure Out #203

Most of the time, the 'thing' you are arguing about is not the thing you are arguing about. There's usually an underlying issue that needs to be addressed.

Many times you're both just exhausted and cranky. Recognize that in yourself, calm down, apologize and ask to discuss it after a little rest. (I said recognize it in yourself. Not your mate. Don't say, "You're just tired and cranky." Not good. And don't use tiredness as an excuse EVERY night.) 

Usually it's more complex, however. For example: You occasionally get down on yourself and feel you're falling behind in multiple areas of life. Then your spouse comes along and mentions an oversight in one of those areas. Let's say it's maintaining an alarm of some kind. Internally, you feel like this: "Crap! That's one more thing I forgot. I totally suck at life. But I don't need you pointing that out!"

But the only part you say out loud is, "I don't need you pointing that out!"

KA-BOOM.

You were angry at yourself but you took it out on them. Not good. Until you step back, calm down, and uncover the real motivation for your outburst (in this case, your self-anger), you're going to have a shouting match about "You always leave it on" and "You never turn it off" that fixes nothing.

Bottom line: Stop. Breathe. Mentally backtrack to what really set you off INSIDE - not the piddly external thing you're arguing about that isn't the real problem. Talk about THAT.

Apologize. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Admit wrong. Empathize. Forgive. Work together.
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Don't Bury Me in Crimson

Not long ago, our music minister and I were working with our late pastor, Michael, on ideas for skits to complement his upcoming sermon series. He would tell us the theme of each sermon and we would all brainstorm ideas for sketches to illustrate the point.

I forget the context exactly but we somehow got on the topic of the image of ourselves that we leave behind when we die. Michael told a story that has stuck with me ever since.

Our church is in Alabama. Nearly everyone who enters this state is forced, in all seriousness, to pick a side in our intrastate college football civil war: Alabama or Auburn? Those two teams have won the last four national championships. It's life or death to many of our citizens.

As with all ministers, Michael was frequently asked to officiate at funerals for people whom he'd never even met. Also like other pastors, he explained, he would briefly interview the bereaved family about the deceased so he could memorialize them with a few words that summed up their character and personality.

He related a particular incident that still affected him deeply. In this instance, he approached the family and asked his usual questions about their husband and father.

"So, what was he like?" Michael asked.

"Oh, he loved Alabama football," came the response.

"Oh, he did? That's great. I know a lot of folks like that," Michael chuckled. "What was he like to be around?"

"He loved to talk about Alabama football. He just loved it so much."

Michael tried a different tack. "Well, what kind of person was he? What did he do that other people respected about him?"

One last time came the reply, "Oh, he just loved Alabama football."

Michael made it clear he was saddened and just a little angry about this incident.

How, he wondered, could a human being be so entirely absorbed in any form of entertainment? So much that it was all the people who knew him best could produce to show for his life?

What really stuck with me about this? Right before Michael told this story, he glanced at me and said, "No offense but …"

He knew I was a huge fan. In winter, I wore my Alabama jacket to church. (In my defense, it's the only presentable heavy coat I had at the time.) On Facebook, I have plenty of photos of me in full Alabama regalia. I attend one game per year and usually post tons of photos when I do. I always make comments on game day and often post self-made graphics about the game or season.

I'm not saying Michael was slamming me. He knew me pretty well. We had lunch several times and he even counseled me on occasion about my life. He knew I invested my life in many things and thought deeply about many weighty issues of faith, theology, philosophy, and society. The Crimson Tide rarely came up except as small talk at the beginning or end of our conversations. He knew I didn't have the same problem as the man he'd described.

But his story made me think about how I presented myself to the rest of the world. Did THEY know I was about more than this?

So, in the interest of my own legacy, I am putting it on record right now:

I enjoy the game. I love the rich history of it all. The thrill of watching a long touchdown run scored right in front of you with 100,000 people screaming right along is indescribable. Being an Alabama fan is an extremely fun social identity. Having random people say a matter-of-fact Roll Tide as they pass by you in the supermarket is very cool. It is also a great lesson in perspective to have Auburn friends I love deeply and yet enjoy our rivalry with.

But Alabama football is not anywhere near being an important part of the legacy I want to leave behind. When I die, I do not want "Alabama fan" to be one of the first things you recall when you think of me. I want it to be a fun fact, not a defining characteristic.

I do not want an Alabama-themed funeral. I do not want crimson and white floral arrangements flooding the parlor. I do not want to be buried in an Alabama shirt, no matter how nice it is. I do not want "Roll Tide!" to be said with any seriousness in my eulogy nor anywhere near the ending. I'm not knocking those who will or have done these things and have maintained a healthy balance. I just don't want it for myself.

I do not want the substance of my life buried under a wave of crimson.
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Balance

Social media is perfect for politics. It's just that very few people are actually social about it. Even by saying something like that, I tempt people to jump in and say "Yeah, the Dumbocrats/Rethuglicans (pick one) sure are ugly about it." That's how bad it is. People actually believe, deep down, in their core that it's the other side that's mean, misinformed, and irrational. Never their own. People ENJOY bickering from two diametrically opposite wings and entrench ever deeper in their positions. No one wants to engage in real discussion, explore the complexity and unintended consequences of implementing their proposals, and try to find an even better, third alternative. They just want to lob insults and prepackaged arguments at each other like they are in the comments section of an Alabama or Auburn football article.

We need both sides to survive! Each acts as a balance against the other. Either side, left unchecked, would serve only a fraction of the people at any given time. That's why we have a two-party system. Our aim cannot be to drive the other party into the sea, vanquishing them forever, never to hear their stupidity ever again. They are right about just as many things as you are. Get that through your heads, Americans. I don't want to live under unregulated jungle law capitalism any more than I want to live under a cradle-to-grave bureaucracy. A mixed economy, diligently and responsibly utilized, is the best solution. We became the world's most advanced economic, technological, and martial superpower using such a system. We must preserve it.