Alcohol

This is part explanation, part rant.

I am one of those 'weird' people that doesn't drink alcohol.

Not because I'm morally superior to anyone. I have a dozen dissipations and excesses that I indulge in that you probably don't, so I'm no better than you.

Not because I am a Christian (or not entirely). The Bible doesn't condemn alcohol per se, only drunkenness. Of course, you show me someone who claims they drink but never get drunk and I'll show you a probable liar.

And the trendy coffeehouse Christians of the past decade or so who have taken up the bottle as a sign of how hip and cool they are ("See? We aren't uptight!") just make me ill. But they are another issue for another time.

I also don't think drinkers are bad people. My favorite author is C. S. Lewis, for crying out loud. The guy met his pals at a pub every other night for his entire adult life. “Mohammedanism [Islam], not Christianity, is the teetotal religion,” said Lewis.

So why do I not drink?

I simply have no use for alcohol.

Alcohol to me is my grandfather getting drunk, hijacking my uncle's new car, and totaling it when I was ten years old. Alcohol is him being bailed out of jail for that incident and coming home drowning in guilt and shame, grabbing his shotgun, and going out under the carport to kill himself. Alcohol is my dad and my uncle begging my grandfather not to pull the trigger. Alcohol is me watching and listening to all this while my grandmother tries desperately to keep all of us children away from the windows and exterior walls. To me, carports will always conjure up memories of my father saying, "Don't do it, Daddy!"

Alcohol to me is several family members who didn't have someone there to stop them from attempting suicide.

Alcohol to me is the drunk driver who swerved across three lanes of traffic and hit and almost killed my father when I was in sixth grade. Dad was laid up for months and out of work for over a year. We were on food stamps and my brother and I had to take free lunches at school. All thanks to a drunken redneck.

Alcohol to me is both of my brothers going to rehab by the time they were 25.

Alcohol is knowing that I have my own compulsive tendencies and the genetic and psychological likelihood of my becoming an alcoholic myself is extremely high.

For better or worse, I can't see alcohol as truly beneficial. I only see waste and sorrow and the consequences of stupid choices distilled into a bottle. I've never heard anyone seriously say, "Man, I wish I hadn't been sober when I made that decision."

I usually come by myself to social events so I truly have an excuse not to drink at them: I am the designated driver of my party of one. I have ordered a few non-alcoholic beers or taken a few sips of wine just to avoid looking like a freak. Out of curiosity, I've consumed a "real" beer at home. To me, of course, it tasted like I'd imagine ice cold urine would taste. Wine sucks, too. And these were higher end labels, not the cheap stuff. Acquired tastes are acquired simply by being positively associated with the effects.

Since I don't drink, it's not normally much fun when others are really hitting the sauce around me. I live with it because I don't want to be a judgmental prig. I don't drop hints. I avoid discussing it at all unless directly questioned about it. I just politely say no and let others do as they will.

But it's usually a chore to try to carry on a conversation with someone who has had more than a couple of anything, be it glasses of wine, bottles of beer, or shots of liquor. As the saying goes, drunks are only fun when you are drunk. If you're not, they are typically either boring, annoying, frustrating, alarming, or depressing.

What's depressing to me is that they aren't themselves anymore. They aren't the person that I was wanting to spend time with and talk to and reminisce and joke around with. They are either a foggy, blunted approximation of themselves or a distorted caricature. It's a missed opportunity to really connect with them. And that makes me sad.

I am perplexed and troubled that the majority of people all over the world have centered their work weeks and social lives around it for millennia. "Boy, I can't wait till Friday when I can have all the wine I can stand." People tell me I won't understand unless I do it myself. That's absolutely not going to happen. Never.

Many treat it as borderline criminal if you do not serve alcohol at parties. It seems the whole reason they show up is because there will be booze. If that's you, you have a problem. Two problems, actually.

First, you're just a selfish ass. I owe you alcohol? No.

Secondly, I've known enough alcoholics and addicts to know that if your peace and/or happiness - or simply your schedule - revolves around finding opportunities to drink, you really need to re-assess your relationship with alcohol. Is alcohol necessary for you to relax and enjoy yourself? Seek advice.

Some of you will say, "Hey, you just had a bad experience. Don't project that on everyone else. You don't know me. I don't overdo it. Getting drunk now and then is just a way to unwind and blow off some steam. Just back off and let me live my life."

I'm not interfering with your life. I almost never discuss this with anyone. I'm just venting in a public forum. My public forum, in fact. Do what you think is best.

I am genuinely interested in a reasonable discussion about the subject and welcome all sincere, constructive explanations of why alcohol is a positive good for people. Just don't tell me I need to get drunk (or laid).

And please don't throw Bible verses at me about the Cana wedding or Timothy's stomach. I know them all. I didn't arrive at this point without considering them..