Harry's Law

If you've ever seen the romantic comedy When Harry Met Sally, you are familiar with what I call Harry's Law of Male/Female Friendship.

(For the sake of brevity, we will assume this discussion is about friendship between a straight guy and a straight gal for the rest of this post.)

Harry Burns, played by Billy Crystal, stated his law thus:

"Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her."

I agree with the basic psychological and physiological factors that led Harry to formulate his Law. But I do not agree with his ultimate conclusion. In other words, I do believe that there is a always a sexual component to any opposite sex friendship but I also believe it doesn't have to doom the relationship.

I've had several discussions about this law with my female friends over the years. They are evenly split on the subject. Some agree with me. Some deny the sexual component altogether.

I sometimes receive an incredulous response like the one given by Sally Albright (Meg Ryan's character):

"That is not true! I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved."

This response is typically given by women who cannot cope with the idea that their guy pals have - at the very least - an attraction to them. To them, the thought of their friends having one milligram of sexual feeling toward them is creepy and disgusting and borderline criminal.

They assure me they've even asked some of their men friends about it directly and have been told, "Of course not. You're just like a sister to me."

I hate to break it her but their guy friends say that not because it is true but because they don't want to frighten her or hurt her feelings. Or lose a perfectly good and happy friendship just because of her naiveté. It's not worth it.

I've met the guys who are in denial, too. They will angrily insist, "I don't think about her like that!" Then I catch them checking her out or revealing a hint of jealousy. And the truth comes out. "Well, okay, I kinda like her but I would never act on it." Which is cool. And which they could have just said in the first place instead of getting all morally superior about it.

So, again, I agree with Harry's assessment of men's dilemma in friendships with women. I agree with his observation that a sexual component is almost always present, if only to a small degree.

However, this does not mean all men are pigs. To have an attraction to a beautiful or intelligent or charming woman does not make a man a pig. It just means he's a living, breathing human being with a Y chromosome.

It's what the man does with that attraction that makes him either a friend or a pig. As a man gets more mature, he learns how to be close friends with a woman. As in other areas of life, he becomes responsible and doesn't act on every impulse. He may still feel an attraction but he respects his friend and behaves accordingly. Most guys in opposite-sex friendships fall in this category. They are human but they are gentlemen. However, if a woman is pretty or otherwise compelling, any guy that says he doesn't notice it and they are strictly like a sister is most often lying for her comfort's sake.

That is why I disagree with Harry's conclusion that men and women can never be friends. I believe in a modified version of Harry's Law:

"No man is one hundred percent 'just' friends with a woman he finds attractive. But this is nothing to be ashamed of. If this fact is recognized and a few reasonable boundaries are clearly observed, he can be friends with her. If not, he should not."