"It was you."

I left some of you a little worried after an earlier entry ('My Brick Wall') and, truth be told, I ain't out of the woods yet. And life has gotten even tougher since.

But I found something.

I've never really discussed this topic here because, firstly, it involves my wife's health and privacy, and second, it could easily smack of sympathy-baiting. But you can't understand what I'm telling you without it. So, with as much delicacy as I can muster, here goes.

Some of you already know that my wife has an incredibly life-altering chronic condition (and that may not be vague enough to suit her but it is part of my experience as well). This leaves her vulnerable to myriad illnesses and one in particular that we were told from the beginning would be part of her life always and would, statistically, probably be the one that finally takes her from this world.

Well, this illness took a rather important step toward that end a few weeks ago. We were both terrified that it might be the beginning of the end and it still may be. This was extremely difficult to take, even after 18 years of knowing it was coming. No matter how long you live outrunning it, the reality still surprises you when it's finally breathing down your neck. I may be without the love of my life before very long.

Even in the midst of the indignities she bears and in the, frankly, substandard treatment she often receives, we are always together. That will not change. With courage and toughness (stoicism doesn't even begin to cover her response to the monumental pain she endures every hour of every day) she's gone farther than most ever do. We've fought hard to keep it that way. That will not change either. God's done all the rest (although some days we'd be hard pressed to say what, exactly.)

On her second night of this round at the hospital, I lay down as well as I could on the recliner next to her bed and covered myself with a blanket. I needed rest almost as badly as she did and hoped I could quickly find at least a few hours' sleep. I looked at her, lying on her back, her big, beautiful amber eyes looking directly overhead with more than a little worry in them.

I reached over and lay my open hand on her pillow. Silently, and without turning to look, she raised her hand and put it in mine. I gently closed them together. We both shed a tear and sighed. Then a slight smile crossed our lips.

We were happy.